Who Am I

Who am I?  A question I see on a daily basis as teenagers rush the hallways, ear-buds in place, few smiles, fatigue dragging in the shadows.  Kind of makes you want to question, "Who Am I?"  These are the best years...what does that mean, actually?  It's all in the mind; it's all about choices.  Just make one.  But the indecisive shadow that lies in the grey area surrounds...I can see it on their faces, experience within my own heart some of the same in-between grayness.

Is this what the sum of life's parts equal?  I don't really think so.  Because I also see breakthroughs when good-rich discussion happens in a room of 21 young adults, not really grasping what life is but with "adult" bodies and clever minds...the dance begins.  If you can get beyond the awkward pauses, you can sway with different opinions and in freedom you experience a neat aura.  One that only happens with youthful inexperience yet a bizarre self-assurance.  If you are able to dilute the intensity of their passionate voices, they will compromise and listen.  They can move mountains.  They will follow your quiet lead, holding onto their strong opinions yet yielding to agree to listen or agree to agree or agree to disagree.

It's during those moments that time could be suspended.   The Who Am I? is not as obvious or really as important because the process of finding out and searching is what moves and provides energy.  You can witness what these young minds stand for, not just oppose.  You can see how they are mold-able.  I find a desperate sense to be heard.  It may be crazy, spontaneous opinions but once they've been heard, they are shapable.

Kinda weird this humanity...we over complicate things to our determent.  We agonize over the "dotting the i's and being correct" and miss the process.  The journey is the stuff.  It's the cream of the Oreo cookie.  The toppings on top of the sundae.  It's where the goods are.  The funny thing, too, is that during those times, all are created equal.

I wish for more of those moments.  All created equal.   No slanderous talk.  No defenses needed.  Just a wash of richness.  It's the moment that you experience the flooding of the Spirit in that secular room.  In that public forum, you experience the peace of the Father and He is completely welcome.

My dilemma...often in the confines of the the church, this is not the environment.  The least restricted spot to wrestle through the grayness  is simply not an option.  It's either black or white; no room for gray.  There is little space for the questions, mostly because we are afraid we must defend God and His presence.  Let us draw near to Him, he felt no need to defend himself, why are we so convinced that's our role?  How have we made the place of worship a wrestling match or a dramatic play area...always pretending.  Maybe we really need the "rote" beliefs so we feel secure.

Jesus doesn't seem to carry that intention.  He eats with the sickest, the loneliest, the most broken and offers to break bread with them.  He doesn't even "give them the business," he offers hope.  He says "You are not alone."  May we begin to reflect Jesus, not our insecurities or statues of faith.

Grace

"If it wasn't for grace"...the words to a song I heard sung on Sunday morning worship.  The words lead me to contemplate what if grace didn't exist.  Would the absence of love and grace be a place of hell?  Am I truly grateful for the component grace and it's impact in my life?

My Burundi friends describe small handful size portions of creamy-porridge enough to serve the whole family for a day, sometimes a week.  The food fitting inside my cupped hands, to feed my family.  Are you kidding? My children's eating habits don't even include porridge, much less sharing a scooped handful between us. Grateful?  Yes my friends have experienced an attitude of gratefulness.  They see grace with different lenses; glasses I haven't worn.

I am committed to not comparing suffering.  You carry the cross which you bear, grace is sufficient for your needs, not compared to others.  It's enough to restore, heal and burden-trade for the child who carries the burden.  It's my philosophy for raising my children as well.  We as parents try to prepare our children as individuals; not expecting "sameness" but developing the tools we can give according to their ability and need.  It's seeing the child before you see a template; it's not comparing.

Grace that's sufficient is suited for my needs, seen by God.  Shaped by His gentle hands to equip me for the journey.  It's when my energy is focused on what I don't have, compared to others or what I endure, compared to others that my soul begins to waste and grow weary.  It's the withering of a branch.  Barely hanging on with little life.

Therefore in need or in abundance, I will choose Joy.  I choose to allow the gift of a handful of porridge to meet my needs.  I receive grace for what it is, a free gift of  love by a God that walks close to me, desiring me as His beloved.  Thankful this day...