It's now January 2014, I have found myself missing an entire season...sometimes conversations happen in my head alone not yielding themselves to paper or pretend online paper. Writing wasn't made time for and I find myself in a shadow. Feeling overwhelmed that a shadow would be part of my existence, not realizing that I in fact am mere human...well I know I am human. I know my faults and some of my own self-denial but not coming to some understanding of me...only me before grace.
I could share grace to others or even explain the power of grace to a group or individual but run into it, falling face first. Wow. Not me. I didn't really need it that badly. I had made mostly "good" choices, life was mostly a steady walk. Every now and then I would face a pit or a mountain but the character whom lived inside me could and would as my dear friend says, "bull dog" my way forward. In my world, this was the refiners fire. Shavings would fall as I weathered that part of the journey, but mostly I remained in tact. Playing the part. Speaking the words.
Then comes a shadow. I found myself acting with rote actions, living life. Similar to a robot. Responding, reacting, doing the job...steady course ahead. But empty. Why is my heart not singing? I am weary of listening to others problems, showing compassion. Just wanted to find a place where no one needed me. :) The shadow.
What I discovered was that the shadow couldn't live or faintly be seen without the LIGHT. Light must be present for a shadow to appear. God is in the shadow. Without him, there could be no time such as this. My experience of loneliness or emptiness wasn't pretend to the One who created me. His light was within, as dimly as it may seem. The shadow was part of my journey and I wasn't alone. In fact, grace was sufficient.
As I put voice to some of these feelings, I realized the mere utterance brought healing or began the process of healing. Often tougher than the healed area. Realizing that my "goodness" was not sufficient for my needs. My good "upbringing" wasn't enough to sustain. My wrestling of the faith came at a price. A price of realizing that I am human. All the way. Frailty and broken pieces. Shadows and places of doubt.
In that realization and wrestling with God and falling face first into the "image" of me...came a loving God. He presented himself in deep compassion from my husband and kind words. Words of love reminding me that the shadows can bring safety, much like the cleft of the rock. We sing the songs, drill the Bible verses, lead the small groups....often relying on the goodness of Me. Appreciation of God and his salvation but seeking him only in sorrow or deep pits. Not accepting that by grace ALONE am I saved. Saved from myself. Saved from a life without hope, grounded in goodness.
So today I begin a new year...not with regrets that I hadn't recognized my true need of grace or my self-reliance or "bull-dogging" ability. But a weary soul, walking with wrinkled feet, seeing light-causing shadows as places of strength, not forsaken pits. Embracing the human-imperfect person I am with a light that is made to be in the image of a loving creator, not its inhabitant. Reminder that grace is a gift, one that comes with no "catch"...but I must be willing to fall into, pride and all.
