No, I won't.

I experienced a painful yet gracefilled moment in worship today.  The moment you could not imagine or even plan for and when it hits you, you have a choice.  The whole idea of wrestling with God, well it's a real conversation.  Facing worship today with anticipation, a new step in reaching a larger group of people...assisting in making a safe place for community...really an exciting move in the church we gather in and call home.

For those with and without special needs, change is unsettling.  For our Katie, leaving the 10th grade class and promoting was and is a big deal.  New worship time.  Big deal.  Louder more casual sounds.  Not a calm experience.  As church begins, the music begins...the experience is formulating to be a well rounded blend of worship in a casual more modern environment.  For Katie, anxiety erupted.  Her dad couldn't join us because of work, increasing her sense of comfort.  The other children with a filled sanctuary of worshippers began singing.  I was standing near the door, beneath the area around the piano, clear sight for all looking toward the stage.  Katie's ears covered.  Anxiousness began.  In me.

I gave in, go ahead and sit outside and watch the tv screen of worship.  I went back to my pew,  doors closed.  What I secretly wanted was my friend or pastor to rescue me with Katie, in Scott's absence.
But that was not God's plan today.

My heart couldn't let go that Katie was sitting outside in the waiting area, unseen by me.  Just worship.  God prodded me.  Go ask the man on the front row, Scott's friend but doesn't know our Katie.  No.  I wasn't doing that.  This is just our messed up life, we would get through it or I would leave.

I looked around, leaving wasn't the answer.  Grace worshiping and signing as she sang with voice and hands.  Elijah sitting with other 7th grade boys, first time youthers.  God spoke again.  Move, you prideful one, ask the man up front to help.  So I did.

He said yes but ask what to do.  He walked out and came back with Katie.  Happy.  Sat and put his arm around her, much like Scottie does.  Tears filled my eyes.  Then began falling down my cheek.  I was the one who needed the painful grace filled moment.  Katie was enjoying worship and the man thanked me for the privilege of worshipping with Katie.

The moment where pride exits, gods amazing grace sweeps in and you are forced to close your eyes and accept it, reject it or fight the presence of Christ.  This morning, god overwhelmed me with a power that was much larger than me.  I finally gave into what I was being moved to do.  The small act on my part opened a wave of love, embracing my tough little heart.  Worship did in fact move me.  It pushed me closer to the heart of the one who knows me intricately.  It wasn't with emotion or pain; but it was far reaching, more than I could have planned for or created.