Yesterday I witnessed a beautiful picture of how God really loves us and extends His arms/feet to help us either move forward, stand and be still or even back up the mountain. The picture came as I watched my teenage daughters do something so simple yet very powerful.
A picnic...Grace asks often, "Can we just go into the middle of our backyard (which slops to the community park) and sit on a blanket or even have supper?" I say, "Let's not go to center of yard; it's too hard for Katie (Grace's twin who has special needs, visually, emotionally, physically) and I don't want to "lug" the dishes etc back and forth." The End.
This day was different. I heard Grace ask Katie to go for a picnic. They asked me to go too but I was recovering from the flu. I really didn't have the energy to walk to the center of the yard especially in the sunshine. I felt a bit guilty and knew that Katie might back out of her "yes" when she heard I was staying on the porch. Again, this day was different. I gently whispered to Grace, "You know when Honey Pie (our lab) sees you both, she will bark. This will make Katie nervous and it might not go well."
"I know Mom; it's okay." Grace replied.
I watched from the screened porch, biting my lip and praying that Katie would not disappoint Grace. This was one of Grace's "things" she wished that they could do as sisters. The togetherness of twins; not reminded of the array of differences in their maturing selves...this was the goal. Grace carried her packed basket which contained PB&J bagel sandwiches, juice, fruit and chips. She had their Ipods and camera in tow. Down the steps, Katie first. Dog quiet.
Katie steps onto sidewalk, stops. Grace takes her hand and helps her step onto grass, an unsure feeling for Katie because it's not firm or stable. The grass moves and when someone like Katie walks on grass, they simply are trying to "find where they are in space." It's not easy. There's no frolicking through the yard. Honey Pie barks and wags tail. Katie covers ears. I hold my breath waiting for Katie to start her "no I don't want this, never again" but it never came.
Grace ran over to Honey Pie and gave her a treat. Asked Katie to hold two more treats for later. Katie held Grace's arm as they maneuvered through the sticks and uneven slope under the giant Oak trees. Minutes later, dog barked. Walking stopped. Grace gave Honey another treat. Quiet. They walked to center of yard and stopped at blanket Grace had prepared them. She sat down and pointed for Katie to join. Katie bent over doing her knee drop sitting and plopped to ground. It was done. Grace threw another treat to Honey. All was quiet.
I watched. Overwhelmed at how difficult it is to be one's friend sometimes, yet saw that it wasn't really. It just took time. 11 minute short walk to picnic but so worth it. Girls ate, laughed. Katie played "pretend" like she loves to do. Then they both lie on their stomachs...knees bent and feet in air. They listened to music and both took pictures of the grass, trees, Honey Pie and each other. Success.
The walk back up was 1.5 hours later. Couldn't believe it lasted that long? Same slow routine. Teeter-totter gait walking; this time up the slope. Dog barked. Ate treat. Katie held Grace's arm and finished the hike. Grace then went back/forth with dishes and stuff. By then, the moment was over.
I reflected; felt grateful to witness this special act of love. God does the same. Gentle touch, calming our fears, giving us courage to move on and then walking the whole way...slow and steady. Facing our fears and giants even if they are the gentle Honey Pies. Unsteady as the pathway feels, His hand guides. Our eyes see unclear or not at all, but we walk. He talks to us, enjoys the breeze and even captures the moment like a lens from a camera. It's then His heart sings, I believe.
I am thankful for God allowing me the visual ~ trusting me to see through His eyes for one moment. Slow and steady, seeing the beauty of being one's friend. Frolicking is for some but others are able to capture a peace that gently guides our feet to a blanket prepared for us...with milk and honey and rest.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Tears..do not be afraid
Tears...why do they scare us?
I know as I have aged and hardened some with life's experiences, tears aren't frequent. I used to cry when hearing a verse from a song or seeing a certain movie. But now, it seems tears are drier. The deepening of my soul still feels those moments of hurt, sadness, joy, questions of pain...but why no tears?
I don't have the answer, surprise! I just know when I experience tears either alone or in community, the body seems to begin a healing process that mentally I strive for but can't always obtain with "mind over matter and positive thinking." Tears are a stretching of the senses. Jesus loves them; He even says "I keep your tears stored in a jar."
Ponder that...the creator of life. The One who begins and ends time. The One who at the sound of His voice calms seas, moves mountains and frees captives. That One stores my tears, really. How opposite from the society of modern everything screams..."Don't Cry Out Loud...Big boys don't cry...stop being a cry-baby." Yet Christ, the One who claims us, chooses us, accepts us, forgives us, reaches to us and stays with us...stores our tears.
It makes me wonder, do we really have the cure? The answer? The quick fix? We love solving problems and making the long road, shorter and more efficient. Yet sometimes through the valley of death, we can only appreciate and experience peace that passes all knowledge. Sometimes in the grieving, we can only celebrate the life. In the fears, we can only experience the cleft of the rock and the new mercies.
Today there is light. Light within us from a light which never dims or goes out. A light that the world can see when we have no words. More often that's the case. So be silent, let your light shine. Cry and let the waters from our tears be like flavourful salt to a bland emotions. It takes courage to let tears flow; God can handle the vulnerability...He can use it to grow new sprouts.
I know as I have aged and hardened some with life's experiences, tears aren't frequent. I used to cry when hearing a verse from a song or seeing a certain movie. But now, it seems tears are drier. The deepening of my soul still feels those moments of hurt, sadness, joy, questions of pain...but why no tears?
I don't have the answer, surprise! I just know when I experience tears either alone or in community, the body seems to begin a healing process that mentally I strive for but can't always obtain with "mind over matter and positive thinking." Tears are a stretching of the senses. Jesus loves them; He even says "I keep your tears stored in a jar."
Ponder that...the creator of life. The One who begins and ends time. The One who at the sound of His voice calms seas, moves mountains and frees captives. That One stores my tears, really. How opposite from the society of modern everything screams..."Don't Cry Out Loud...Big boys don't cry...stop being a cry-baby." Yet Christ, the One who claims us, chooses us, accepts us, forgives us, reaches to us and stays with us...stores our tears.
It makes me wonder, do we really have the cure? The answer? The quick fix? We love solving problems and making the long road, shorter and more efficient. Yet sometimes through the valley of death, we can only appreciate and experience peace that passes all knowledge. Sometimes in the grieving, we can only celebrate the life. In the fears, we can only experience the cleft of the rock and the new mercies.
Today there is light. Light within us from a light which never dims or goes out. A light that the world can see when we have no words. More often that's the case. So be silent, let your light shine. Cry and let the waters from our tears be like flavourful salt to a bland emotions. It takes courage to let tears flow; God can handle the vulnerability...He can use it to grow new sprouts.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Can't Keep Up...
Today was an usually hard day...especially after wrestling with our Sunday School class about the fairness of this world, rather the unfairness of it. The nature of God, in His silence, and how we resolve to live by it, in it and through it. Today I experienced what it feels like to be "other."
I attended a special meeting for Katie, our daughter. It was school related and focused on her success in high school. Much support from a group of people who seemed concerned for K's success. The leader of the group was insightful and so thorough clothed in love and tenderness. It was a positive feeling. Academic teachers began talking about Katie. Her progress, her strengths, how sweet she is, how kind she is, and her struggles with the pace of high school. It's not that I disagreed with the opinions, as they were spoken kindly. Pace~can't keep up, doesn't comprehend even though she reads aloud in front of the class without error, always volunteers but can't keep up.
Internally I am asking "how can I do more homework at night?" 7.5 hour days and her eyesight is on overload, her brain needs rest....yet the answer is still "can't keep up." It's easy to say well who cares...she's precious and come so far. That's not the point. Of course I see her progress; she's a miracle! But in this world of competition, the river of achievement widens as move throughout the teenage years.
I wonder if this is living out "blessed are the poor in spirit...the last shall be first...if you love me, feed my sheep, become a servant." In church or community, this sounds admirable. I might even receive acclamation for serving or get a plaque to hang on my wall. But when it invades my heart or gets too close to home, then wait a moment...this isn't what I signed up for. It's too uncomfortable and noticeable. That's not normal.
As a community, we only see the moments that are tender or proclaim a truth of God that we hadn't seen because our eyes are closed or blind to the heart of Jesus. When my life is in fact invaded with this "difference or specialness" it's not always happy. It's surrounded with disappointments of this world, which is our only reference point to success or achievement. Again it's a set-apartness that doesn't seem so "blessed."
It's at this moment, I must choose this day the Lord, clinging to the peace that transcends all trauma and uncertainty . I must hold tight to the rock which hides me in it's cleft. I must surrender my desire to look the "same" and hang up the idea of success according to the world's measurement. It's not light nor easy to say; it feels more like carrying the cross. Thankfully my burden is traded with His...Lord give me eyes to see that it is light.
I attended a special meeting for Katie, our daughter. It was school related and focused on her success in high school. Much support from a group of people who seemed concerned for K's success. The leader of the group was insightful and so thorough clothed in love and tenderness. It was a positive feeling. Academic teachers began talking about Katie. Her progress, her strengths, how sweet she is, how kind she is, and her struggles with the pace of high school. It's not that I disagreed with the opinions, as they were spoken kindly. Pace~can't keep up, doesn't comprehend even though she reads aloud in front of the class without error, always volunteers but can't keep up.
Internally I am asking "how can I do more homework at night?" 7.5 hour days and her eyesight is on overload, her brain needs rest....yet the answer is still "can't keep up." It's easy to say well who cares...she's precious and come so far. That's not the point. Of course I see her progress; she's a miracle! But in this world of competition, the river of achievement widens as move throughout the teenage years.
I wonder if this is living out "blessed are the poor in spirit...the last shall be first...if you love me, feed my sheep, become a servant." In church or community, this sounds admirable. I might even receive acclamation for serving or get a plaque to hang on my wall. But when it invades my heart or gets too close to home, then wait a moment...this isn't what I signed up for. It's too uncomfortable and noticeable. That's not normal.
As a community, we only see the moments that are tender or proclaim a truth of God that we hadn't seen because our eyes are closed or blind to the heart of Jesus. When my life is in fact invaded with this "difference or specialness" it's not always happy. It's surrounded with disappointments of this world, which is our only reference point to success or achievement. Again it's a set-apartness that doesn't seem so "blessed."
It's at this moment, I must choose this day the Lord, clinging to the peace that transcends all trauma and uncertainty . I must hold tight to the rock which hides me in it's cleft. I must surrender my desire to look the "same" and hang up the idea of success according to the world's measurement. It's not light nor easy to say; it feels more like carrying the cross. Thankfully my burden is traded with His...Lord give me eyes to see that it is light.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Fair?
Ahh, I have returned. School has started a new group of eager learners enter my room...big hugs, smiles, stories of summer plans. Sounds like little children, well, in some ways they are just that. My teenage students run in with smiles and silliness wanting to tell me everything that's happened in their lives. Some of which is head tilting to listen to and some with deep sorrow, I can barely stand to hear. All of them looking for "hope" in that life will get better, be better and they want it now. Plus they want it FAIR.
After church yesterday my family sat in the living room talking about fairness. Was God or is God fair? Elijah tilted his head and pondered. Grace said God is just. Yes I agree. But fair? Fairness isn't equal to justice nor is equal to equal. I have stressed in my parenting life that each of us needs different things. We have "special" needs as Elijah understands it to be; therefore we receive what we need. It may look different at times; because we are unique. It's filled with mercy and love. But to the world, it may not appear fair. If we all received a fair wage for our lives lived, well then, we've earned death. Separation from God. Romans is pretty clear about that. But God came by choice, from the judges seat to take our place. To show great love and mercy ~ Not to be fair.
We live in such an "entitled, deserved" based society. We leave little room for mercy and grace except when we give or serve at "high holy" times of the year. You know feeling sorry for the orphans, needy, homeless and widows...supplying their food or sending a basket or even buying new clothes. We may even give at a corporate level of our funds to support a mission or time of disaster. Please be patient with me...I know these times/support are necessary and usually given with the purest of motives.
My question is deeper. The place where we must search our internal lives, the parts of us that God only knows. The spot where we wrestle our flesh; the place where we struggle not being selfish and self-centered. Would we give our seat as the judge and take the spot of the convicted? I have to say that would be so hard. For my children, yes. For others, I don't know.
God did just that. His heart was changed by Abraham as he begged God to wait and let him search for 10 faithful. We struggle with "life not being fair." My resolution is God isn't fair. He's completely just, clothed with daily mercies and grace beyond measure. He live in us; therefore we are NEW creatures.
We live in a world all about getting ahead, not one of surrender. A world of making sure those get what they deserve. A world of sacrificial giving that doesn't make much impact to our routine or even touch the bulk of our funds. We slide by patting ourselves on the back when we've given from the interest...and celebrate how much we still have.
As I write this, my heart sinks. That just doesn't sound like Jesus. It sounds more like a costume party where we "toast" to our good deeds and acheivements, looking a bit like Christ. Is that fair? I don't think so. Not fair to the one who gave of himself completely, took on a servant's role and said yes to crimes he didn't commit. Yet we go on with our comfort and blind eyes barely being touched by the hopeless, mostly critical of what they "should or shouldn't" do...
Holy Spirit breathe on us. You know these parts of our lives. Give us courage to do what most see as impossible for you live within us; the one with cattle on a hillside. The one who turns water into wine, serves thousands with bread and fish. Aren't you able to replenish our giving? Aren't you able to bless us beyond what we could think or imagine? THEN let us show it. Neither depth or height can separate us from God's love...giving too much, allowing our savings to be divided and spent in places we didn't plan or budget. The kingdom is present not just "to come." Draw near to one who frees, pardons, gives life to all His children whom He cherishes.
After church yesterday my family sat in the living room talking about fairness. Was God or is God fair? Elijah tilted his head and pondered. Grace said God is just. Yes I agree. But fair? Fairness isn't equal to justice nor is equal to equal. I have stressed in my parenting life that each of us needs different things. We have "special" needs as Elijah understands it to be; therefore we receive what we need. It may look different at times; because we are unique. It's filled with mercy and love. But to the world, it may not appear fair. If we all received a fair wage for our lives lived, well then, we've earned death. Separation from God. Romans is pretty clear about that. But God came by choice, from the judges seat to take our place. To show great love and mercy ~ Not to be fair.
We live in such an "entitled, deserved" based society. We leave little room for mercy and grace except when we give or serve at "high holy" times of the year. You know feeling sorry for the orphans, needy, homeless and widows...supplying their food or sending a basket or even buying new clothes. We may even give at a corporate level of our funds to support a mission or time of disaster. Please be patient with me...I know these times/support are necessary and usually given with the purest of motives.
My question is deeper. The place where we must search our internal lives, the parts of us that God only knows. The spot where we wrestle our flesh; the place where we struggle not being selfish and self-centered. Would we give our seat as the judge and take the spot of the convicted? I have to say that would be so hard. For my children, yes. For others, I don't know.
God did just that. His heart was changed by Abraham as he begged God to wait and let him search for 10 faithful. We struggle with "life not being fair." My resolution is God isn't fair. He's completely just, clothed with daily mercies and grace beyond measure. He live in us; therefore we are NEW creatures.
We live in a world all about getting ahead, not one of surrender. A world of making sure those get what they deserve. A world of sacrificial giving that doesn't make much impact to our routine or even touch the bulk of our funds. We slide by patting ourselves on the back when we've given from the interest...and celebrate how much we still have.
As I write this, my heart sinks. That just doesn't sound like Jesus. It sounds more like a costume party where we "toast" to our good deeds and acheivements, looking a bit like Christ. Is that fair? I don't think so. Not fair to the one who gave of himself completely, took on a servant's role and said yes to crimes he didn't commit. Yet we go on with our comfort and blind eyes barely being touched by the hopeless, mostly critical of what they "should or shouldn't" do...
Holy Spirit breathe on us. You know these parts of our lives. Give us courage to do what most see as impossible for you live within us; the one with cattle on a hillside. The one who turns water into wine, serves thousands with bread and fish. Aren't you able to replenish our giving? Aren't you able to bless us beyond what we could think or imagine? THEN let us show it. Neither depth or height can separate us from God's love...giving too much, allowing our savings to be divided and spent in places we didn't plan or budget. The kingdom is present not just "to come." Draw near to one who frees, pardons, gives life to all His children whom He cherishes.
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