Can't Keep Up...

Today was an usually hard day...especially after wrestling with our Sunday School class about the fairness of this world, rather the unfairness of it.  The nature of God, in His silence, and how we resolve to live by it, in it and through it.   Today I experienced what it feels like to be "other."

I attended a special meeting for Katie, our daughter.  It was school related and focused on her success in high school.  Much support from a group of people who seemed concerned for K's success.  The leader of the group was insightful and so thorough clothed in love and tenderness.  It was a positive feeling.  Academic teachers began talking about Katie.  Her progress, her strengths, how sweet she is, how kind she is, and her struggles with the pace of high school.  It's not that I disagreed with the opinions, as they were spoken kindly.  Pace~can't keep up, doesn't comprehend even though she reads aloud in front of the class without error, always volunteers but can't keep up.

Internally I am asking "how can I do more homework at night?"  7.5 hour days and her eyesight is on overload, her brain needs rest....yet the answer is still "can't keep up."  It's easy to say well who cares...she's precious and come so far.  That's not the point.  Of course I see her progress; she's a miracle!  But in this world of competition, the river of achievement widens as move throughout the teenage years.

I wonder if this is living out "blessed are the poor in spirit...the last shall be first...if you love me, feed my sheep, become a servant."  In church or community, this sounds admirable. I might even receive acclamation for serving or get a plaque to hang on my wall.  But when it invades my heart or gets too close to home, then wait a moment...this isn't what I signed up for.  It's too uncomfortable and noticeable.  That's not normal.

As a community, we only see the moments that are tender or proclaim a truth of God that we hadn't seen because our eyes are closed or blind to the heart of Jesus.  When my life is in fact invaded with this "difference or specialness" it's not always happy.  It's surrounded with disappointments of this world, which is our only reference point to success or achievement. Again it's a set-apartness that doesn't seem so "blessed."

It's at this moment, I must choose this day the Lord, clinging to the peace that transcends all trauma and uncertainty .  I must hold tight to the rock which hides me in it's cleft.  I must surrender my desire to look the "same" and hang up the idea of success according to the world's measurement.  It's not light nor easy to say; it feels more like carrying the cross.  Thankfully my burden is traded with His...Lord give me eyes to see that it is light.