Withering & Grace

I never thought I would feel the word, withering.  Yet it often describes my heart as I struggle to live life.  When I am in this spot, my mind wanders...will this ever be different?  Will my family always sit on the out-skirts of the "normal" world, yes that includes church.  Well the answer whether I want to accept is yes.

But how do I truly define normal?  Would I want to live there if I could...would there be times of loneliness and heartache?  Of course.  I am reminded the things I teach...emotions don't have brains.  They don't have the power to control us, only when we enable them.  They are real, though.  So the balance of these forces can be tricky.  Often making my skin crawl...ha!

Real life...all the ceremonies we attend and celebrate often bring the opposite of happy to many in our world. Yet we are inundated by what we don't have in every store and often in church.  We as people of God are blinded because "this is how we've always done it."

What't the challenge?  Well it begins with me.  How I dissect my own issues and preferences is the beginning.  What it means to follow Christ, not just be a Christian?  Well it means letting go.  Letting go of my unrealistic expectations because they always leave me hanging and empty.  Seeking Jesus, even before the church.  With our modern view of church, we cloud what scriptures mean, leaving little room for the "priesthood of believers."  I am not rejecting spiritual disciplines that come in community.  But I find most of our hang-ups are about US, not following Christ.

We want to hang blame of every institution saying that if...Well the following of Christ begins with me.  It is woven into my home life and every place I wander.  It calls into question my decisions, thoughts and actions.  It reaches  beyond my own "goodness or good character" for it is by grace ONLY that we experience Jesus.   And that is painful to experience, much less popular to experience within in community.

So the call is for me to be an instrument of grace and mercy.  To allow the LIGHT to shine into my dark places, revealing my own frailties, preferences etc.  They cannot stay under cover and me live in freedom.